PhD in HiM

If I counted up all the hours
I'd studied
read
focused on
fucked
sucked
cried over
cried over
gotten up and been resilient about
not given up on
believed in
hated
love
believed in
so believed in
ignored my friends advice about
drank over
been sick over
worked out over
collapsed over
smiled over
laughed with
ended things with
began things with
talked about
talked about
did I mention talked about?

I'd have a PhD in him.

By now, I could have had a PhD
in Philosophy,
Internal Medicine,
Middle Eastern Studies,
Stem Cell Research.
But no,

I have a PhD in Him.

Funny how he brings me no income,
no pension,
no future,
no future,
did I mention no future?

No awards ceremonies,
no diplomas in frames,
no sabbatical,
no maternity leave,
no maternity leave,
did I mention no maternity leave?

Funny how he brings me no roth IRA funds,
no medical plan including dental,
no cap with a tassel to hooray in the air,
no well earned celebration,
no sense of security,
no sense of security.

Funny how he became my career,
yes, he became my career,
my daily ambition,
my homework,
my goals,
my to-do list today reads:
him, him, him, him, him.

And so don't ask me what I did this year
I didn't write any plays or books
I didn't so some responsible shit like pursue a back-up career.

I was fully employed in the furry of him
the fury,
the passion,
clocking in 80 hour weeks
while he lounged on false disability
wish I'd hired a scout to bust his scheeming ass,
but see I was too busy working on my degree,

a PhD in HiM.

Graduated valedictorian at the tippy top of my class
magna cum fucking laude
and a waste of fucking time.

hours upon hours
spent figuring out his equations
riddles
word problems
crossword puzzles
treatments
cracking his codes
philosophising his constitution
over Moet,
wine,
vodka,
vodka,
oh did I mention vodka?

By now I could've been a brain surgeon,
a novelist,
a Pulitzer Prize winner,
my published books overflowing my fireplace crackling den,
I could have fed undernourished children,
fought terrorism,
volunteered at soup kitchens,
FUCK THAT!
BUILT SOUP KITCHENS!
Had a beautiful baby that's now ripe for walking,
But instead,

I have a PhD in HiM.

Wasted hours in the library of man.
My ambition like an inverse fraction became
HiM OVER me
like the goddamn Do Fund I was
ready, willing, and able
sweeping garbage
wearing my incarcerated slogan with pride
because I was earning my double-major in
his BuLLSHiT
with a minor in
my settling for less

Quiz me,
I know him better than he knows himself
I'm that matriculated doctrate hoe
paid full tuituon at It's All About HiM University.
Ladies, have you visited?

See they pat you down at the gate for self-esteem
and your core syllabus is a well-crafted list of cockamamy lies,
study groups with the girls is in the dungeon dorms
with a clear view of your man relaxing under a shady oak.

STUDY HARD, BITCHES!
You got a paper due Monday morning
titled "My Man Wants To Be Treated Like a Man, But Won't Act Like One."
who's hiring?
any other fools wanna sit in my lecture hall?
hands please!

See now, I'm licensed to teach and preach
sparing my pride
in hopes some other women might ready my dissertation.

See, I have a PhD in HiM,
and my transcript is rolling off my wicked tongue.

I was a diligent student
and brought apples to teachers
sharpened pencils to every class.

Not sure of how my most difficult degree might serve me
but think one day I'll thank him
for reminding me how
FIERCE a PUPiL of LiFE
I really AM.